A former male dating columnist for Glamour returns with his reflections on marriage, two years after having been married himself … and it just seems to get better and better.
Some of you might remember me as the (charmingly!) equivocating Jake who almost two years ago gave up the single-guy gig writing this column to get hitched to a woman known as Orange Blossoms, my longtime on-again, off-again girlfriend. I want to assure everyone that, even with a ring on my finger, I'm just as confused by love as I was when I was single. But I'm happy — and here are the reasons why:
The drama is over. And that's a good thing. Because while we still have thorny issues to negotiate — the little problem of how we both try to control each other, for example — the anxiety is gone. The whole business of "Is this the right relationship?" and "She talks on her cell phone inside of elevators; she must not be the woman for me," and "If I don't make her spontaneously combust in bed tonight, she's never going to sleep with me again" — all that stuff? Up in a puff of smoke. I have to say, life without the question of something being a deal-breaker is pretty amazing.
We can share our fantasies — even the ones about other people. Yes, I have sexual thoughts that don't include my wife. I've discussed this with lots of men, and they've agreed that extracurricular attraction never goes away. However, now I can talk to Blossoms about them. Not explicitly (the fantasies are rarely that graphic — it's more of a feeling, like, Yeah ... her ... yep, for sure), but we joke around about which women I'm drawn to, and then I hear about men she's checking out at the moment. Before marriage that kind of openness would have been impossibly threatening. Now? She's even taken to having lunch with guys in an attempt to keep things exciting but not dangerous. It probably seems unorthodox to a lot of you, but, weirdly, I'm in favor of it.
I successfully battle "we"-dom. In an effort to not be one of those husbands who use the word we too much ("We love risotto!" "We hate Beyoncé!"), I make sure that Blossoms and I keep our individuality as a man and a woman who will never have the same quasi-male haircut or unisex shoes. In her own related attempts, Blossoms encourages me to spend time alone or with my friends because we most enjoy each other when we have our own lives. That said, it feels more us-against-the-world than it ever has in the past, perhaps because ...
It is us against the world. Take the economy. I can't tell you how much more terrifying the prospect of losing my job or the reality of our decimated 401(k)s would be if I didn't know we had each other's backs. And it's an enormous comfort to know that as much as things change, I still have a few familiars to hold on to, like:
Being with her now turns me on the same way it did the first time. I am still a bit obsessed with her palpable intelligence, her curiosity and her sense of mischief. And nothing puts me at ease as much as getting into bed with her at the end of the day, shutting off all the lights, pressing against each other and talking until we fall asleep.
My wife continues to smell unbelievably good. She's switched perfumes (no more orange blossoms!), but there's still something about her scent. I don't think it can be reduced to what comes out of a crystal bottle; it's human chemistry. And no matter how many columns I write, I'll never be able to explain it.
MY AFTERTHOUGHT:
It’s an insightful article since men seldom show feelings toward relationships, especially marriage. At least now we know that it is possible for a man to enjoy being married while he may still check out other women from time to time. At the same time it’s encouraging to know that marriage is something that men will appreciate too.
Last week I had an interesting conversation with a girlfriend who’s married for 20 years now. She just turned 50. According to her observation I’m single by choice because I always fall in & out of love within a short period of time. And this kind of quickie has happened once too many. The relationship fails because it’s not built on friendship. So could it be possible that I’ve sought after lust over the years instead of love? This is a wake-up call for sure!
