Can A Man Change?
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
- Bill Cosby -
Fred is one of the wisest men I know. Many moons ago, he and my ex-boyfriend Bruce belonged to the same running group. These runners not only ran together every Wednesday night and Saturday morning but they also trained for marathons as a group. I was not a runner but I was everyone’s favorite groupie!
Fred is probably in his late 70s now. He knew that Bruce tormented me and often told me that my ex-bo was not worth my time or effort. I got the feeling that Fred did not think too highly of Bruce.My ex-bo met his Mrs. Right this past May and he is about to walk down the isle in October. I cheerfully shared the news with Fred. However, he didn’t seem too excited about it.
Fred: I only hope that he can adjust his life to be a married man but it sounds like she is more than a match for him.
Me: Maybe he is a changed man and this lovely woman…whoever she is...has made him want to be a better man.
Fred: Let us hope that he is a changed man and that the lovely woman has made him a better man, although a person can adjust only so far unless the basic core is in good shape.
It’s been well over a month since my ex-bo announced his engagement and it is odd that he has not sent any additional information about the wedding. Either he is not inviting me or there has been a change.
Fred’s comment made me wonder, “Is it possible for a man to change?
How Permanent Are the Changes?
We all know that idiom - You can’t teach an old dog new trick. Any couple in a relationship can make an impact on each other’s lives and motivate one another to better their lives together. It happens. Men can change for women and vice versa.
Curtis quit drinking because his wife loathed it so much that she moved out. Now, they are back on good terms again and she might be moving back soon.
My mom made my dad quit smoking and drinking overnight. She even asked him to make a pact in writing that basically said "I am so and so and start from this day, I will not smoke cigarettes and consume alcoholic beverages.”
I haven't followed Curtis' progress since he supposedly stopped drinking. However, I have caught my dad smoking once after we had dinner with Uncle Steve and he had more than a few drinks at a wedding we attended recently.
It is great that people work on self-improvements. People should do good things for themselves. If it winds up being good for a relationship then that is a bonus. I believe that any change will stick only if people do it for themselves, not to please others.
As for Curtis and my dad, I wonder how permanent their changes are.
You Have to Weigh In EVERYTHING - First the Bad
Last year I thought it would be cool to take a trip to Vegas with my boyfriend in celebration of my birthday. Since he didn’t know what to give me for my birthday, I offered him my suggestion. He said he could not afford it. WHAT? Vegas is a heaven on earth and you don't have to be filthy rich to enjoy it. Everyone can afford a weekend trip to Vegas.
Gotta read between the lines. He really meant, “My personal finance is so messy that I am barely scraping by. I live from paycheck to paycheck and just try to cover my bills. Therefore, a trip to Vegas for your birthday is out of the question.”
I began to think how pathetic it is that a 42-year-old man cannot manage his own finance. I could get all worked up by just sitting at home alone.
I thought, “How did I get here at the first place? I’m dating a man whose ex-wife left him for another man…a man who teaches his kids how to sneak into a ballpark…a man who is incapable of planning a fun night out on the town, let alone planning anything for his life…a man who takes pride in being a pothead and an alcoholic (his cop-out: I’m no quitter!)…a man who can’t take me to Vegas for my 30 birthday! Wait a second! I cannot stand alcoholics and potheads!”
When we first met, I did not like him. I thought I was way out of his league. He is the opposite of what I have always liked – the corporate guys. I love a man in suits, especially if it’s Armani. He lives in a house with a 34-year-old roommate and the almost 80-year-old landlady. He has a few cars – one broke down last year and he has not had the time nor the money to fix it and the other two are SUVs that he never bothers to clean. His motorcycles have no tags and the license plates on the SUVs have expired.
He is the most ghetto guy I’ve ever dated. The night we met, he told me with pride that he’s the only one who hasn’t been in prison among his cousins. In response, I claimed: “I’m one of the few lucky people in my family who is not on Prozac!”
He seems to be perfectly content with his way of living. He does not think about how to better his life and is the worst with keeping promises.
“My divorce took everything away from me. I’m gonna get it all back. You just wait and see!” He blames his financial hardship on his divorce. Blame it all on the ex-wife, how perfect! He had it all but it was all taken away. That was like 10 years ago or longer. I don’t even buy that excuse anymore. It just sounds like a loser's cop-out to me. He lacks the initiative to accomplish greater things in life despite of his super-charged confidence. The longer I’m with him, the more I think of it as an act. His words are meant to bolster his morale and that’s it.
Because he is such a happy-go-lucky guy, he just takes everything so lightly. He does not seem to be a responsible person and he is hardly a responsible dad. What kind of father would smoke a joint with his kids or teach them how to sneak into a ballpark?
It does bother me a bit the fact that he is not established at 43 years of age. His lack of ambition kills me the most and I sense him having low expectations in life. Sometimes I wonder if he's just talking to be talking. I need a good deed and fewer words from him. Is he capable of being a reliable lifetime partner and an adequate provider?
It is funny…the more I thought about it, the more I thought I should leave him. My rage was really about his messy finance but it led me to all the aspects in our relationship that I didn’t care for. The reality was that he’s unlikely to get out of that hellhole and would always try to make the ends meet.
Now The Good - Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
What I like about him is he's such a happy-go-lucky guy and he puts up with my bad ass attitude. He knows how to cheer me up when I’m feeling the blue. He is loyal to his friends and he is quite romantic. He used to buy me flowers every week until I told him to stop and save that money for other things. He’s very likable and fun to be around. We had a lot of fun together. He can totally hang with me…well, almost.
My friends noticed that I act like his mother sometimes. I nag him for not taking better cares of himself, bitching him out for drinking like a fish (I could go as far as to take away his drinks in public or ask the waiter not to serve him any more drinks…yikes. Very motherly!), reminding him of his sons’ birthdays, blah blah blah. The poor guy never said anything nasty about me even when his friends didn’t like me dictating how many drinks he could have when we went out.
Here I am, picking on the guy and making up every plausible reason why I should walk out on him. Then he said the nicest things anyone had ever said to me, “You are just perfect. I love you the way you are. I’m lucky to have you. Who says you can’t have the cake and eat it too? That’s what I’m doing.”
Someone suggested that I should turn a blind eye and just concentrate on the positive things in the relationship. I can’t bring myself to do that. I know that I’m too critical of him and maybe our relationship. The reality is in my face. I can try not to think about it but it's not gonna disappear!
Am I crazy to walk away from someone who loves me for me and thinks of me as this perfect person even though my flaws are as many as the stars in the sky?
I question my motive to magnify his imperfections. I do it because that way, I can justify my desire to call it quits. Is it the realization that he is never going to kick the bad habits and handle his life like a real man? Or is it my fear toward commitment that makes me do such an awful thing? When a man loves me for me and treats me as if I’m perfect, why is it not enough?
Sometimes love alone is not enough. There are many aspects in relationships and love is just one of them. The bottom line is can this man give me the life I long for.
Beauty & the Beast
I read an article by Regena Thomashauer who claims that guys on their own recognizance won’t necessarily aim very high. A beer and a channel-changer are about enough excitement for them. However, a man with a woman by his side, a woman who wants things from him, a woman who sees his potential and is unafraid of asking the best of him, that man has a shot at becoming a hero.
She uses the story of Beauty and the Beast to explain her theory. Belle, a lovely young woman, met this hairy ugly beast with terrible table manners. He was gruff on the outside, but he had a pure heart. Belle fell in love with this beast. And it was through her love and training that he turned into a prince.
Regena believes that if a man is attentive to his woman and her desires that is a great start. Then it is time for the woman to ask him for everything she wants: Where she wants to live, what career she wants to see him in, what kind of life she wants to create together. He has the potential to take care of her in any style she desires, just point him in the right direction and enjoy the unfolding adventure of turning this beast into a prince charming!
Beauty and the Beast is a Disney story for kids and it is hardly relevant to the complicated real world. Had dating been as easy as a walk in the park, I wouldn’t still be single. Is it me or Regena is a hallucinating optimist? She must be happily married or had seen her man transforming himself to her liking. Does she not know that all men are boys and they will never grow up? Boys will be boys and even men will tell you that they are boys!
I must admit that Regena’s thinking is new to me. It is contrary to everything I have learned through my own dating exploits. Is it possible that my understanding of men has been inaccurate all these years that resulted in my forever-lasting single status?
Love Is the Answer.
Let’s assume that Regena’s advice is right on the money and I take her suggestion into practice. I would feel like a hypocrite asking him to change his way because I would not want him to demand the same from me. Moreover, would he resent me when we part ways because he had changed for me?
I want someone to love me for me. This is a package with attitude problems included. I am only good as the way I am. I have the tendency to wear the pants in my relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a control freak. I believe in equality and somehow, I always end up calling the shots.
At the same time, I also want someone who’s got his shit ‘together’, mentally together and somewhat financially together. If two people can’t be better together than when they are alone, then they should not bother staying together.
D.N. used to be an infamous figure in the Asian gay community. It is fair to say that he is promiscuous and everybody knows his name. One day, he bumped into an old flame and they picked up where they left off years ago. He dropped all the booty calls overnight and devoted himself to one man only. At first, I didn’t think it’s possible but he did it. He is now a one man’s man!
This is encouraging news because it goes to show that it is possible for a man to change when he is determined to better himself. Maybe he was tired of being chased by so many different boys all the time. He didn’t need everyone’s attention anymore but just one man’s love.
When two people love each other deeply, they can compromise and make the relationship work no matter whatever it takes. The challenging level in quitting alcohol and marijuana is no greater than giving up a crazy wild sex life. After all, alcohol, marijuana, drugs, and sex are equally addictive. Therefore, it is possible to go cold turkey if he has a strong will to kick the habit.
I believe that we as human beings always strive to be better. The power of Love can change a man but only stamina will make the new and improved man stick.
