First Six Months of a New Relationship
Men often say that they cannot figure women out because “dude, you chicks are so complicated!” True that! I admit that we can be difficult at times but please! Do not make condescending comments like, “Is it that time of the month again?” That is straight up insulting.
Nonetheless, oftentimes we women cannot seem to understand the psych of the men we date; i.e. what does he think of me if I sleep with him on the first date? Why has he not called after we had sex for the first time? Why did he stop calling? Why has he not said the L word when we have been dating for 5 months? Why has he not introduced me to his parents?
Ladies, we are in luck!
My close friend…let’s call him Grumpy. He says I am his Snow White and he is Grumpy the dwarf. About six months ago, he began dating a woman and I kept all of our correspondence to chronicle his relationship with Betty. It allows me to probe into a straight man’s head while he is starting a new relationship. At the same time, it answers many FAQs from women concerning relationships.
When it comes to love, men are not as verbal as women are. Grumpy is quite candid with me throughout his relationship with Betty. Not only I get to see how he deciphers the strange things that women do to him but also it is a chance for him to speak his mind. It is very interesting!
In the Beginning of the Relationship
March 10
Grumpy: I met up with the Chinese girl Betty last night...a barbeque at a friend's house. It is odd that I would meet all these close friends on a first date. It was a decent time. Let’s see when she is going to call me.
Snow White: Isn’t it your job to call her up, especially after the first date? You should call to thank her for inviting you to the BBQ and tell her that you had a good time.
March 23
Grumpy: Betty called me yesterday but I had not called yet. I think she wants a deed fast. Will Betty keep her panties on if we go out again?
Men are better wired for doing deeds on the first date. I think if women do that a lot they become mentally messed up. Men and women are different. The way I see it is that if someone does me right away, she'll do that with who knows whom else. I mean I am nothing special, there are many men taller better looking wealthier more charming and so on...
My last girlfriend held off on her climax due to intimacy issue and she started to blame it on me...yet it went back to high school...her famous line was "it would be easier if I did not like you..."
I just know that every woman I meet and date has some shit, probably is serious that it has to be dealt with...it is just a matter of time before I find out what it is and then decide if I want to bother with it. I seem to get the problems that others have never heard of or had to deal with...
Snow White: You are getting more plays than any single guy I know. In the last month or so, you have been getting phone numbers from women all over the place! You must be doing something right.
March 24
Grumpy: I have a date with Betty on Friday night.
Snow White: Yeah! I have a hutch that you and Betty will ‘hit it off’; somebody is about to get lucky!
March 27
Grumpy: Betty was ready. It was GOOD. I don't understand this. Every woman I have laid hands on in the past year has wanted me the very first time.
Snow White: They find your sex appeal irresistible! Women just cannot wait to pin you down for a good time.
Three Months into the Relationship
June 3
Grumpy: Betty is doing something that would tick me off, that she should know would tick me off and doing it anyway. If she wants to sleep with someone else, there is nothing I can do about it. This is how I justify seeing others since this is very tenuous. I had a feeling that this sort of thing could happen, that she has that side of her.
When a girl describes herself as going after sex like a man, as wanting to be single when she left town once and told her guy that, and her friends warn you about her temper, “have you seen her mad yet?", what possible outcomes might I find. Betty has planted all these seeds in my mind. As I say, there is nothing I can do to prevent Betty to do whomever in whatever situation. I made it 36 years without her, and she 39 without me, neither one of us will shrivel up if it does not work out.
I don't need a woman really. I want one, but I don't need one. It is more than just sex of course.
Snow White: You have a constant concern that Betty is going to do other guys. She doesn't know that she's already pushing the button and ticking you off.
June 9
Grumpy: Betty and I spent Friday Saturday Sunday Monday and Tuesday nights together. I am in need of this break and may not see her until Saturday. We have not done anything in particular, food, sleep, TV, sex shopping. She says the stories of her being fast are in the past and taken out of context. We will see. Do not forget that she is in sales and is likely good at telling people what they want to hear. However, things are okay and it is partly my jaded self and things that have happened to me. There is not much else to say about that.
Snow White: It seems like you and Betty have been spending an awful lot of time together. She must be IN LOVE even though you claim to be nonchalant! You are so jaded when it comes to women. So far, Betty seems like a good catch. She’s losing interest in being part of the fast lane and is likely to slow down now that she has a man. That is a good sign. Though I don’t know her, I can understand what she’s saying.
During the 4th Month
June 16
Grumpy: I saw this woman on the train this morning...she was olive skinned and had a great shape, clearly worked out a little bit. I wanted to say hi, just hi, or tell her "nice pants" or something like that. I should not talk to her I suppose since Betty and I take that train sometimes. We could run into Theresa one day, Then Theresa knows of Betty. I don't think I want to bang other Women now, but flirting a bit is cool, is it not?
We will go to a couple of baseball games this weekend and will be meeting her mom and dad at one of them. Uh-oh, meeting the parents!
Snow White: Your urge to flirt is stronger than I had imagined. I admit that flirting is a feel-good gesture for the initiator and the one who reciprocates. BTW, how does she look like? Do you have her picture to show me?
June 24
Grumpy: I do not have Betty’s photo yet. She is pretty dark...looks very Asian. I am late today for work since I gave Betty a shag this morning.
Snow White: Be very careful when you describe someone as “Very Asian.” Woa! You met Betty’s parents. Despite little conversation, what did you talk about? There is nothing better than a morning shag to start the day right! Kudos to you!
June 25
Grumpy: As for Betty’s parents we really did not speak. We went to the Giant’s game, they sat near Betty, and I was on the other side. So maybe we will talk next time.
In my 30s, I have had lots of attention from women, but not in my 20s. You did not know me then. There is something they like. I told Betty last night that my course of action is to a. FEED HER and b. F*CK HER! We have been spoiling each other. Compared to her friends I have a lousy income/career. I do not feel at all inferior or intimidated. She says she feel intimidated by the good shape that I am in but I sometimes wonder what would happen if she met a guy who made more $$$. Hey, if I am canned for whatever reason, life will go on. You would still be my Snow White. I was thinking about deeds I have not done...I think it all evens out with those I did not foresee happening or those that came with little effort (you know the stories already)...more deeds would mean more trouble more than likely.
Snow White: Honestly, you get more hits with chicks than most single straight men I know. That’s truly a blessing!!! Betty has been such a regular element in your life. By now, you’re used to having her around and maybe for the first time in your life you feel that your life is more complete with her around. She is right. You are in excellent shape…36 looking like a 25-year-old. You should not have to worry about Betty hooking up with rich men. So far, you two are doing quite well and she doesn’t sound like she’s after money.
Any more morning shags?
June 27
Grumpy: Yeah I shagged this am too...
I had an odd conversation with Betty last night. We are meeting up later. I told her that we could go to my folk's house, eat, and relax since they would be gone tonight at some dance performance. She said she did not want to eat there, or be there if they did not know that she would be there. She also says that she thinks that they don't like her. THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW HER! Her conclusion is based on the fact that I have not spent as much time with them since we started seeing each other. So I told her that mom sends foods for friends and encourages me to share with people and that if I came over and had a gang of friends who she did not know and ate every last morsel that if anything that would make her happy. I told Betty she made no sense whatsoever. Sometimes people don't understand one another I guess. It is not a big deal, but it was really weird.
Snow White: Woa! You invited Betty over to your parents’ house. That’s a first step toward…introducing her to your family. You’re right. Betty made no sense at all. Your parents hardly know her. They have no basis to dislike her.
June 29
Grumpy: So we are all old and weird...I still don't understand Betty’s aversion to going to my folks' house, but on some things, we have to agree to disagree. We had dinner at Marin Joe’s on Friday, went to the San Anselmo fair on Saturday, laid around yesterday and then I came home. I think we may have been getting on each other's nerves or whatever. On Friday and sat nights in the bed she was pushing me away and complaining and fussing a lot. So come Sunday am I was a bit grumpy and she did not understand why. It is not really all her fault...she does some of this while she is sleeping and dreaming, but it still sucks to be pushed away in the bed, you know. Relationships are not easy and we have to take people as they are. The one thing I would like her not to do is nag about toilet seats and things like that...why nag me when I am doing the dishes and fixing toilets and managing her plants and cleaning her rug. And cooking...I am not a slob. She claims to be a control freak. I think most women are control freaks...when did this happen and why is it this way?
Snow White: Maybe…we’re old and weird. You and Betty have spent way too much time together. It’s hard not to get on each other’s nerves. It’s not fair to be grumpy when she didn’t know exactly what she did during her sleep. Most of us have been single for years and we’re most comfortable when we sleep alone. It comes natural to push things away in bed since we expect nothing to be there.
During the Fifth Month
July 8
Grumpy: I was in San Diego over the weekend and traveling with Betty had its challenges...more on that another time.
Snow White: Though I’ve never met woman friends of yours, I can imagine how difficult it is to travel with female companions. Traveling together allows friends to probe into each other’s private side. You don’t always like what you find out. After this weekend trip with Betty, would you say that she’s more difficult than your exes are while traveling on the road?
July 14
Grumpy: Betty had a lot of stomach ailments due to drinking and consuming milk products and stomach flu while we were away.
I do miss aspects of all my exes, or nearly all of them, but of course there were some problems with all of them or they would not be exes! Betty has these two sides as I may have said before. She is this good friend/sister/daughter who cares about the world and gives $ and time to charity and then she has so many shallow selfish friends she hangs out with and is saving up for a "snooty" car. It is of course still very early. While I have had no chances and have met no others I remain curious about other women, but I guess that will happen until I am dead or very old?
Snow White: Most people have this double-sided personality to them, me included. When I’m out, I am a social butterfly; during downtime, I can stay home, veg out and shut the world out completely.
I find it interesting that you still have this curiosity about other women. Perhaps it is human nature to always looking around no matter how good you have it in your life.
July 19
Grumpy: Betty just took off and I was thinking of your yesterday and last night. I also thought of you when I was under the comforter last night with Betty. Is it that bad?
Snow White: It is nice of you to think of me! Well, I did give you the comforter you sleep with every night. Does Betty know about the comforter?
During the Sixth Month
August 4
Grumpy: Hey! I received your package. I have the shirt...wearing it now and wore it last night...it is almost like having you in the bed with me! Betty is okay, there are good and bad features about her just like everyone else.
Snow White: I’m glad to know that you like the T-shirt and wear it often. Now you can wear the T-shirt to sleep under my comforter!
August 8
Grumpy: It was a tough week with Betty. She cut off the sex, said we were not gaining a better understanding. It degenerated to I was in it just for the sex, as though a guy would take a girl's car for a smog check and remove wallpaper and paint and pick up her pal at the airport if it was just booty call. She ended that talk by saying that she perhaps is just unappreciative and that is how she is. So I am not initiating sex. I don't want to be rejected! I saw her the last two days and we did only one deed. I mean, what the hell more could I do for her? Is it that she is nuts or is she consciously testing me out?
Snow White: Betty is way out of line this time. You are only in it for sex? You were only in it with the Skipper for sex but that’s in the past. Betty has confused herself with someone else! I can’t believe you did all that for her. I would be so grateful if you were my man! Maybe Betty is mental. She is crazy if she honestly thinks you’re in this thing only for the booty. Isn’t she in her early 40s? She should know better when it comes to relationship and men who are pigs.
August 10
Grumpy: I still have no clue what Betty is talking about. Again yesterday, she mentioned something about the better understanding thing and about how I dismiss the emotions in certain situations, but she cannot concretely tell me what I am doing wrong or what she would like me to do differently. Maybe she is consciously giving me some sort of test.
We had a good time yesterday, went to Point Reyes and looked around. Then we went back to her place, had dinner and a deed. Looking back at other relationships, there always is some stuff going on suppose. I keep thinking that I will find a situation where there is no so much bickering, negotiating, and poor understanding and issues, but maybe that relationship does not exist. I think booty calls are easier than relationships!
Snow White: Maybe you are catering to Betty too much. Some people have the tendency to keep scores of the person they are dating.
It will be ideal to be in a relationship with someone who can read your mind. You will not have to explain why you did this or did that. It is possible and it will happen. It’s all about timing….everyone I know who’s married keeps telling me the key point is TIMING. Our time has not come yet.
August 19
Grumpy: I am a bit tired today. I was away all weekend at a bachelor party weekend, drank way too much (I don't really like bachelor parties), then met Betty for lunch Monday, saw her Monday night, Tuesday night, Wed night and all day Wednesday too. She is not working hard now and likes to hang out. That is all fine and dandy but that takes time away from work. So I left my place early and went to the coffee shop and she was getting ready. Well then, she found a problem with a work thing, worked from my place and was way late. So I am getting late starts on the day. However if she had been on time she would have met my ex, who just happened to wander by the shop. She was there with her sister and best friend...f*ck, they are all so nice, nicer than Betty's friends and siblings. Oh well, there is always something. Betty is a lot of work...
Thanks for the pictures from your trip to Bali. You are so photogenic! I had to make sure that Betty did not see the photos!
Snow White: Why is it that Betty cannot see my pictures? Do you think that she would get funny ideas about us because of my pictures? So, where are you going to hide them? It seems like Betty spends a lot of time at your place. How can you make sure that she doesn’t find them?!
August 20
Grumpy: I put the photos away in a drawer. If she snoops, she will find them. I leave her alone there sometimes. She knows of you as well as where the comforter came from, but I just know that she will get funny about you for some reason. This morning I had to get out early. She took forever to wake up and get ready. She loves television and the f*cking set is always on. I just told her that I cannot lie in bed until ten every day. I will just leave her there.
Betty has been irritable about work. She knows of my family drama and so on. Then she gives me a bad time because she is unhappy at work. She has apologized for being difficult. Well when I am tired and frustrated, I do not take it out on her. I just want to go home and hide right now. I will wear your shirt and have your photos under your down. I bet the real snow white would be better!
Snow White: Why do you think Betty will get funny about me? Is it because I am also Asian / Chinese? Do you think it is dangerous to leave her alone in your apartment? Most girls love to snoop around while their boyfriends are in the shower or just completely gone. It is an excellent opportunity to look for items belonging to ex-lovers etc.
You do so much for Betty and she just seems ungrateful! If I had a man who is willing to do all that for me, I will be in heaven! She really should not give you a hard time even if she is not a happy camper. She can just go home and be miserable on her own until she is ready to be around others.
August 25
Grumpy: Are things better or worse with Betty than others are? I think about the same, there are just different issues to deal with. The other night she told me not to touch her. She was annoyed by something, but would not tell me what. How would I know what not to do that bothers her? She would not talk about it. Is this a conscious test or is this just who she is? I do not know.
As for your photos, well they are recent and sexy so she would not like them so much. I assume that snooping will happen. So I put things away-if they are found and I am told about them then I know she was snooping, right? There is no perfect solution to that so I take some precaution, but I cannot make this place Fort Knox!
Snow White: Why is it that most girlfriends cannot understand that their boyfriends need to maintain friendships with their very good good female friends?
Ultimately, do we have to choose between friends and lovers?
Do you draw a line if your woman asks you not to go out with friends? If you do, where do you draw the line then?
August 27
Grumpy: Betty has male pals, I have female ones, we know of this, and it is okay. I just somehow think that you - just a gut feeling, would threaten her.
I saw Betty less this week. She did some weird shit in the middle of the night on Tuesday. She woke up saying that she was not comfortable and that she did not want to stay here anymore. Then she said she did not know how I felt about her. She wanted the L word. I do not toss that word around very often, but after a bit I told her. I guess I do love her in some ways, but f*ck, is she getting to be high-maintenance? Love is not what it used to be - the overwhelming feelings, the thinking of the other person constantly. That just does not happen anymore, does it?
Snow White: You said WHAT to Betty? You did not. TAKE IT BACK! You didn’t mean it. You only said it because of the pressure from her at that time. I cannot understand why some women force the L word out of the guys they are seeing. Did she ever say the L word to you? Why do you have to take the initiative and say it first? If she feels that way, she could have said I love you and see how you respond to it. It is a mutual feeing when couples say the three magic words to each other. I just don’t think you mean it.
August 29
Grumpy: As for Betty asking for the L word, I just don't know if the woman is abnormal, autistic or consciously messing with me. Are all relationships like the ones I have always had, one good week, then a bad one, and so on? No, she has not said that she loves me. She once said that in a conversation with a friend of hers that her friend asked if she loved me and she told her friend that she thinks she does and that is it. So, in my book she had never told me. I think talk is cheap, but what one does is more important and shows what they are made of. I have had this trouble with women before since I am not so verbal, but I think my actions have usually, but not always, been pretty good. I don't think I can take back what I told Betty...but does she need to hear it every week or every day I do not know for she has not heard it since.
I seem to have almost no free time now because Betty takes a lot of energy. It seems like I sometimes am taking care of the girl.
Snow White: Betty is abnormal, autistic, and definitely messing with your head. Has she done anything that made you feel loved? Name one. I just want to hear it.
You know, you don’t seem to go “gaga” over Betty. Maybe you are not telling me everything. It seems to me that you’re lacking the passion for this woman. It has only been a few months and you are set in this comfort zone with her in it. I doubt it if that is love. How compatible are you two anyway?
You have your priorities. Career, Family etc. Maybe finding a long-term relationship is not very important.
August 30
Grumpy: This girlfriend is proven elusive. I just want a nice girlfriend. I think Betty does things that show she really cares...I believe she does. She has food and beers that I like stocked at her place, has purchased a shirt and tie that she thinks are good, and other things like that...plans fun stuff to do, obtains baseball tickets. There is an upside to her. Downside of course is this random moodiness, cutting off sex at times, shallow friends, yuppie tastes...it seems like she is trying to upgrade everything, maybe even her friends? My friends are very different. Am I in love? Probably not. Can I go gaga over someone again? Maybe not.
Snow White: What defines a ‘nice girlfriend?’ Don’t you think most women nowadays are elusive?
I think you can still go gaga over someone in the future. I really miss that feeling. I cannot remember the last time I was oooh and aaah upon meeting a guy.
August 31
Grumpy: She was all nervy last night as she put it...was really a pain. I just stayed quiet most of the time since there is nothing I can say or do sometimes. She seemed to settle down after a good hard f---. Then I gave her another this am and took off.
I went to Peet’s coffee today and I saw some lovely women downtown today. I think a few have liked my outfit...been too horny lately for some reason-full moon perhaps?
Snow White: You must be good in bed. You are so good that you could calm her down when Betty throws you her moodiness. Why didn’t you just go home? Or were you home? You should not have to take any bullshits from her. I agree with you that people should just be alone when they feel like they are about to explode.
BTW, Monday was Full Moon, in case no one told you about it.
Present
Grumpy: I am wearing your shirt nowadays and calling it my lucky shirt. Betty is in Boston until tomorrow. she says that she is the easy going sister and the sister she is staying with has so many rules around the house...says that she knows what it must be like for me to deal with her rules and says whe she returns, she wants to be nicer. We will see if she eases up. She has been calling everyday but I have not missed her that much...is that bad?
Betty’s 41st birthday is next week and we are going to Vegas in celebration of her birthday next weekend. I don’t know what kind of present to buy for Betty.
Snow White: So, you don’t miss Betty a bit? Not a teeny-tiny bit? Hmmm, that’s okay. You don’t miss her and that is the fact. I wonder if she misses you?
A Vegas trip AND a present? You are such a nice boyfriend. I’m more interested to find out if she will be grateful of all the nice things you are doing for her birthday. I wonder if she will still be unappreciative.
(Update: eventually it didn't work out. Oh well the next one is always better! Keep the faith.)
