There Goes Another One
One of my younger cousins is getting married tomorrow. I am six weeks away from turning 31 and I can’t help but begin to wonder, "Who Do People Get Married?"
A college friend decided to get married when she learned of her pregnancy. The wedding was going to happen eventually. The unexpected baby sped things up.
My parents dated for almost 10 years when one day, my mum said to daddy, "Let's Get Married!"
"Okay." my dad nodded his head. The rest is history.
I guess, a little pressure can’t hurt if a man waits too long to pop the question. My mom thought it was time to go to the next step because they had been dating for like 10 years. Daddy wanted to wait a bit longer because he had nothing and had not figured out how to make the ends meet. Had my mom not popped the question first, she would be waiting for a few more years before becoming Mrs. Yang.
1. Grandchildren
When I was in my 20s, my mom used to remind me, "You Don't Get Any Younger!" Hell! Who does?! Please let me know if you know a way to remain at 25 years of age FOREVER!
Honestly, I was not worried about becoming a spinster but my mom constantly gave me the ‘Friendly reminder.’ It turned out that she just wanted grandchildren. She once said to me, “I can take care of your kids when you go to work. You won’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll be more than happy to do your job and care for the baby!” Geez, I am not a baby-popping vending machine.
My mom was so desperate that she began considering having a 4th child when she was already in her early 50s. Omigod!
Speaking of grandchildren, my friend Grumpy is slow when it comes to introduce women to his family because all they do is talk grandchildren, which he doesn't want. When one of his girlfriends and his mom started having regular phone conversations, it turned out that they were trying to figure out how to get him to settle down. As a result, he goes very slowly on this aspect. An ex-girlfriend once claimed that this was a huge problem. "So, if you meet my dad, you'll have an orgasm?!” LOL.
I don’t understand why our parents want to deal with grandchildren when they are free at last. Why will anyone give up the good life to trade for baby bottles, stinky diapers and baby’s poops? They have done all that in the past and they want to go through it again when they should just kick back and relax? That baffles me!
Nonetheless, some people would get married so that they could start making babies for their parents as if it is their duty to do so. My childhood friend Meg popped a baby boy before she and her husband even celebrated their first anniversary! As soon as her son was born, he was brought to her in-laws (in a faraway city) and that’s where the baby has been for the past three years.
“Why did you have a kid?” I asked Meg.
“Babies are fun! My son stays with my in-laws so that I can go back to work.” Said Meg.
What a shocking remark! Obviously, she is not fulfilling her job as a mother. How does she know that being a mother is fun when her baby lives two hours away by car from her?
My Parents and their beloved dog (he's really the 4th child)
2. Safety net for retirement
My mom used to think that people should get married and have kids because your children will take care of you when you are old and frail. Babies are the joy of life for grandparents and the safety net for parents in the long run. The key is to be hitched first before popping babies. This thinking is old-fashioned. My grandparents were such believers that they decided to have 14 kids in case not all of them would make it. Back then, it was common when kids died young due to lack of medicine or from malnutrition. It started out as a precaution measurement. How little they knew that all 14 of their kids would be healthy and survived against all odds.
As you can imagine, they probably didn’t like kids all that much but they had kids so that they would be well taken care of when they were too old to work.
Recently, she had a new revelation.
“I am not counting on you kids to take care of me and daddy. I have started saving money for our retirement. When the time comes, we will find a nice retirement home and that’s where we will spend our golden age. By the way, I won’t leave you a dime!” said mommy.
3. Companionship
When there was no such thing as Gay Marriage, Ken, an American, knew that he would need a partner, especially after he retired as a VP for an international corporation. He met my Uncle Paul in Taiwan and brought him back to the States. The age gap is 25 years.
To me, they are just like many married couples I know. They have been living together and taking care of each other for 30 years now. Except for kids and pets, they have everything that most married couples have if not more. They have the flexibility, financial freedom, and plenty of leisure time that any married couple with children will die for. Perhaps those are the reasons that gay couples don’t seem to age as fast as the heterosexual couples do. I personally think it’s because of the lack of pressure to have kids and to raise kids. Thanks to Ken's pension plan, they can afford to take three overseas vacations a year.
Ken always knew that he wanted a young Asian man as a partner. 30 years ago, they met in a bathhouse in Taipei. Keith was looking for a companion to live with him, to take care of him when he’s sick, to go on lavish vacations together, and to sleep next to him every night. My uncle fits the bill.
It wasn’t long before Ken asked my uncle, “Would you like to come back to the States with me?”
At the time, my uncle had just been relieved from the army service. He had never left Taiwan and he realized that Ken could be his way out! He jumped on the chance, went home and packed for his American dream. Ken was either very connected or INS in the 70s was dumb. Uncle Paul soon got a green card and Ken placed my uncle to work under him in the same company. In a way, this relationship between Ken and Uncle Paul smells like a marriage for convenience. It was a win-win situation and both got what they were looking for.
What is cool about their relationship is that they don't need a certificate to prove that they are a union and everything they own is under both names. If Ken disappears from the face of the earth first, my uncle will inherit everything, including Chinese antiques that are worth millions.
You notice how I have not mentioned the word SEX. Here is the sad part of the story.
Underneath this seemingly happy relationship, their sex life is zero. Ken has been impotent for as long as I can remember. Why do I know this? Let's just say that I am close to my uncle enough that we can talk about sex (after all, we both love me. LOL!).
After three decades, Keith and my uncle are just like an old married couple. They didn't need a wedding vow to prove their love for one another. In the past, they had stuck together for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health. Ken had a few major operations that were life-and-death experiences and my uncle was always right by his side, holding his hands. On the other hand, my uncle had been battling against alcoholism and depression. At one point, he was so depressed that he almost drank himself to death. Ken spent thousands of dollars in rehab centers so that he could bring my uncle back to life.
They love and cherish each other. However, there is no pledge for faithfulness but they do embrace the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.
One time I went to visit them and my uncle put me up in a hotel. It was odd because every time I came to see them, I always stayed at their lovely home. One late night, Ken called my hotel room to find out where my uncle was. He sounded worried and maybe a little bit angry, too.
My uncle had dropped me off hours ago. He kept the motor running, gave me a kiss on the chick, and I just hopped out the car. It seemed like he was in a hurry to go somewhere because normally, he would park the car and walk to my room with me.
I had to make a white lie and covered my uncle’s ass before Ken could bust him for…infidelity? I apologized to Ken and explained that my uncle came up to my room to catch up with each other. We got carried away and had no idea what time it was.
“He is on his way home now. Don’t worry!” I assured him.
I had no idea where my uncle was. I had no idea where my uncle was. I had a hutch though…he was probably at a “gentlemen’s club” somewhere that night!
Anyway, my point is that many people get married for companionship, whether they are gay or straight. It seems like a nice idea to have someone to share everything and to grow old together.
4. Spite Against Parents
A friend recently confides in me that she felt miserable in her marriage because she got married to spite her parents. She said her folks are truly screwed up. She felt neglected as a child because her family discriminated against girls.
WHAT? Is it me or it seems like an extreme move to leap into marriage just to spite the parents? I can’t remember the last time I did anything just to spite my folks. My college roommate Laura had her bellybutton pierced and brought home an African-American boyfriend in spite of her wealthy, Caucasian, Pasadena-raised parents’ dismay. I too was involved with a brotha at the time. I had no intention to spite my folks. I was simply infatuated with dark chocolate. LOL.
One day, her husband pointed out that she had vented all her bitterness on him against her parents’ treatment.
She explained, “The sight of my parents made me want to run. The sight of my parents now still makes me want to bolt. My husband once asked me, if it is the end of the world tomorrow, and I was single, would I go home? That was a simple question; I said no, I would rather wander about alone in the world until it is doomed. I didn't want to go home to my parents, even if the world ends tomorrow.
I am lost. I would think that a miserable marriage is due to lack of communication or poor understanding or any difficulties between the couple. Therefore, the fact that her parents are screwed up made her feel miserable in her own marriage. It makes no sense to me. Maybe she meant that she was not ready for marriage but went along with it anyway because she wanted to run away from her parents as soon as possible.
Obviously, I have never been married and that explains why I am having some trouble understanding it.
5. LOVE
Love and marriage…two things that schools forget to teach us. Consequently, we fail miserably. Perhaps I am a romantic but I would like to think that at least more than 50% of the married couples did it for LOVE (the rest did it for LUST or SEX!). Call me naïve…maybe that is why I am still single. Ha Ha!
If I ever get married, my wedding vow will go like this:
In the name of love, I take you to be my wedded husband. I love you and I know that you love me. Because of love, I desire to be your loving trophy wife. With deepest love and joy, I come into my new life with you. You are the best thing ever happened to me and I pledge to be the best woman you can ever have aside from your mother. (Unless, of course, you are a mommy’s boy!!!)
My friend Fred has been married for five decades to the same woman and this is what he has to say about marriage:
As for marriage, it is commitment. It begins with each finding another to whom they can commit, and stay committed through thick and thin -- and there are plenty of both. It means building a loving relationship, and that only comes over time. A marriage cannot work if each thinks they can walk away when things get tough and stay only when life is on the bright side. It does not begin with either thinking or feeling that they can make something different of the other. It begins with accepting each other, and building with love and care together. It holds together as each share their feelings as well as their thoughts, and is tuned to those of the other. There are no short cuts.
That is today's food for thought.
If you have found your better half, I hope you are happy and content. However, if you are still searching for your lifelong companion, do not give up because everyone deserves to be with someone special.
