I Don't Want Kids
In two months, I will be 31. If you were to ask me when I was 15, I would have told you that by 30, I’d be happily married to my prince charming and become a trophy wife. I think most girls grow up thinking like that until they find out that reality bites! Getting married ain't nothing like what we read in the fairy tales. Think Charles and Diana - The prince and the princess don’t always live happily ever after.
On the night of my 25th birthday bash, I made a vow – I will only have kids if I can get pregnant before the age of 30. The reason is rather silly. Back then, I learned that it is easier to lose the extra pounds gained during pregnancy if you give birth before 30. In other words, it’s increasingly difficult to lose the excess weight as women enter their 30s.
The truth is the older I become, the more I realize that I DO NOT WANT KIDS. Then I thought, “Ummm, I don’t need to be married if I don’t plan to have kids.”
It’s interesting to talk about kids with my gay friends. Almost each one of them wants to be a parent in the future. So I offer them my eggs and they just need to find a surrogate mother to endure the nine-month pregnancy. LOL.
Someone said to me once, “You don’t know what you’re missing!” Obviously, that someone was happily married. Maybe I should check back and see if there’s any recent change since that comment.
On the other hand, I’ve been told that I ain’t missing out on any of that marriage stuff.
Back In the Good ol’ Days
Sometimes I look at pictures from my college partying days and I can’t believe how ‘scary’ looking I was. The ultra-thin eyebrows and the gothic-looking makeup, and the 3 inch plus platforms– everything is black. Maybe that was the trend.
Back then, I had a group of close girlfriends. We always talked about boys, parties, sex, shopping and then more boys. We imagined what our weddings would be like in 10 years time and wondered who would be the first among us to tie the knot. Nonetheless, the bonding provided us moral support, especially when one of us had just gone thru a tragic breakup.
Sisterhood is awesome. When one of us was in relationship troubles, the rest of us would stand up for her and bail her out of misery. When the girls had difficulties choosing one lucky man among her multiple suitors, we would sit down and compose a comparison chart to analyze her prospects. When someone had a secret crush, we would approach the man in mystery, find out everything there was to know about him, and advise him on his first move. We would even match her first name to his last name just to hear the sound of it!
Present Day
As I look around, maybe half of my friends are now strings-attached. I’m a believer and I always think of marriage as a wonderful thing. The idea of living celibate has never crossed my mind. My parents set a good example for me. Despite being cynical about love and relationship from time to time, I do believe in marriage and the positive reinforcement it brings into the relationship.
Sometimes I envy the married couples when they seem so lovey dovey with each other. On romantic holidays are when it hurts the most, as if being single is such an awful sin. Look at it this way; at least they have escaped from the cruel reality of the dating scene. No more games, y’know. The thing about relationships is that the result is sweet but the process is bittersweet and sometimes painful. It will be so nice if every relationship was smooth sailing. I can do without the mind games. You like me! Great. You don’t like me! Good-bye and good luck. Simple as that.
I cannot stand stupidity or the nonsense arguments. Personally, I have never dealt with nasty bickering but I’ve seen it happened again and again thru other people’s relationships.
Some couples do seem to have it all. A great marriage, successful careers, double incomes, luxurious vacations, a fabulous lifestyle, a beautiful home etc.
However, there are times when I’m just glad to be single.
Last week a friend spent a night at my place. The guest room was under renovation and we had to share my bed. It’s been almost four months since there’s an extra person in bed with me. My bed is a comfortable queen size one. I like to hog the bed all to myself. That night I actually hurt my back when my friend crashed here. I curled up on one side of the bed. I normally just roll around freely and that’s how I sometimes wake up on the wrong side of the bed, ha ha. When I got up the next day, I was tired and my back was sore. After he left, I had to rest in bed because my back was killing me – stiff and aching.
Honestly, I can hardly get any good nights sleep when the boyfriend sleeps over. Sure, I love the sex but it will be nice if he can go home to his bed afterwards. He likes to spoon me and I just roll up like a cooked shrimp sleeping in his arms. Sounds romantic? Well, I like it too as long as it’s not like that every night. It’s not so romantic when I get up the next morning. I am just cranky and bitchy because I didn’t sleep well.
My mom said, “What are you gonna do if you’re married? You won’t share the bed with your husband?”
“Get a king size bed. Better yet, get two queen size ones and put a zipper in the middle. Zip them up if we want to get naked; otherwise, he can have his side and I can sleep on my side. That way, we can ensure quality sleep” Gosh, I’m brilliant!
Do Singles Have All the Fun?
Most of the people I used to go out to parties with are now married and married couples don’t hit the club scenes. They think only single people does that. The ones that are still single but then they just don’t go out as often now. After a certain age, it takes longer to recover from a night of hardcore partying and drinking. Back then, I was best known as the “Energizer Bunny” in the clubs. I could dance all night until the music stopped. My friends had long passed out on the couch and they were just waiting for me to say the magic phrase, “Let’s go home now!” I would bounce from the dance floor all the way to my car as if I could still hear the music in my head.
Now I rarely go out. I’m sort of a hermit comparing to my glorious days as the party queen. When Friday night came around, it’s party time! It was almost an obligation to go out because the weekend had begun! Sure, I still love a good party. Every so often, I’ll go out with a few good friends for a nice dinner and drinks. We’ll let it all hang out and just be silly the whole night. Then we spend the next two days in recovery.
I like having people over to my place. Good food, good wine, good friends, good conversations, what more can you ask for? It seems like I’m getting too old to be going out to clubs now. When I do meet people in the clubs, often they’re younger than me. They’re like college kids or just fresh out of school. Then I get irritated when I’m stuck in a noisy and crowded space. I become so claustrophobic and I get annoyed quickly when I lose personal space.
Overall, I do enjoy the freedom, the independence, and the flexibility that being single offers. I only have to be responsible for myself and myself only. I don’t have to worry about mortgage and car payments. I have disposable income to take twice-a-year vacations, splurge on nice things for myself, and go on shopping sprees when I’m in the mood.
I don’t know if I can ever give all of it up.
What Happens When A Party Girl Becomes a Full-Time Mom
I asked my best friend Eri the following questions. She’s now a wife and a full-time mother. She seems happy, genuinely happy. To me, Eri is still the same person. We still click and we have 100% understanding for each other.
1. Are you happy with your marriage and being a stay-at-home mom?
2. If you had a second chance, wouldl you choose marriage over single life?
3. For you, what’s the biggest difference between singlehood and marriage so far?
This is what she has to say about marriage and motherhood.
Now that I'm a Mom, I'm so happy being home, spending time with my son teaching him the most I can teach him. Wherever I go, I take him with me. I think I'm really happy doing this now is because I have partied myself out. When you're single, the only responsibility you have is yourself and the world can really only revolve around you and that's the way I spent my single life. I just did whatever I wanted to do. You can go out, come home the morning after, go to sleep in the morning, wake up in the evening, go out again: oh yeah, remember to take a shower and to eat something at least. You can get any kind of job wherever you want to relocate.
When you're married and have kids, everything, especially for me, revolves around my son. Marriage itself I guess is something that people really have to work on unless it's a perfectly "no problem" marriage. You know how I have spent my single life, and when I look back, it was crazy. It was a rock 'n roll lifestyle.
I didn't want to regret not partying or doing other stuff I could have experienced. Once I had a kid, and in that department, I know I've succeeded. I really cannot keep myself awake after 11p.m. So there. Only "uncool" people show up to parties before 12A.M. and my party would have to be over before people even get there.
As for me, having Justin was probably the best thing I've ever done - not the delivery part though. Why do you think I'm not planning on having any more kids??? I still even breastfeed and Justin's already one year old.
Being selfish and self-centered changes once you give birth. Once you see the baby's face, the selfishness will be all gone because the first month of the baby's life, you'll forget that you even existed. You'll just be so exhausted; more exhausted that when you were dancing all night like an Energizer bunny. You'll know what I mean when you have one.
I’m really happy for Eri. This is what I expect to hear from a married woman. I want to hear encouragements and good things about marriage because sometimes I freak out when I hear “lifetime commitment.” It’s their job as the married women to tell us, the single gals that marriage is something we can look forward to in the future. It’s their job to tell us that raising a baby is one of the most wonderful things on earth. Gosh, maybe I am missing out!
When Romance Is Missing After Marriage
Shannon and I used to work at the same company. We were in different departments and had little interactions. We bumped into each other recently. Neither of us works there anymore and now we finally started getting to know each other.
Despite not knowing Shannon well back then, I did know a few things, bits and pieces about her from other co-workers. Gray once said, “You two are very different Chinese girls even though you were educated in the States. She is looking to get married and you are partying like there’s no tomorrow!”
Shannon went on a TV matchmaking show. Her intention was to meet a good prospect and she found him. Soon after, they were engaged and married in a matter of few months.
Lately, as I get to know her, I notice that she seems to enjoy solitude more than single folks do. When her husband and her daughter went to visit her mother-in-law, she enjoyed a quiet weekend at home alone. I understand the need to have personal space and time to ourselves. However, I assume that a married couple with children probably can enjoy some quality family time together on the weekends since the spouses are busy with work during the week.
She asked herself this question “Is there any possibility of romance ever again in my marriage?” Her answer is “I DUNNO.”
We met for coffee recently and had a grand time catching up. I wanted to know if she is happily married. She nodded her head, smiled and replied, “Yes!”
Then a few days later, she sent me an Email and discussed in details about marriage. She assured me that I’m not missing out on any of the marriage stuff.
I was like you, single and had disposable money and I traveled a lot. I still wonder why I gave all that up. Was it love? I thought so. But I'm not sure anymore.
The stark truth is, we hardly make love anymore. We have sex perhaps twice a month, maybe less. The most shocking of all, is that I DON'T MIND! Sure we were more active when we first got married, but I can tell you, that I had no idea why the world goes oooh and aaah's over sex. What's the big deal? Is it all that enjoyable? We were active b/c we were newlyweds. But after 4 years, it's just old. We don't even kiss anymore, and the thing is, I DON'T MIND!! Again! I wonder if we're depriving each other of bodily pleasure. I'm sure it's so. But there's no magic, no sparks, no joy. I don't mind taking separate vacations (honestly, I don't like vacations that much, they disrupt my routine), I get a bigger kick out of reading/swimming than going to bed with my husband. What's wrong with me? And if anyone was to ask me if I was happy in my marriage, I would say, sure, it's ok.
Then I decided that it's just life. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, it's hard to get all romantic. And truth be told, I don't even have the energy to do anything romantic with my husband. The greatest pleasures for me now, are 1, get plenty of sleep; 2, work and make money, and 3, go for a dip in the pool. I even get up at 2 in the morning to catch the Olympics swimming finals b/c there's always something to learn from watching the swimming greats.
Enjoy yourself at the lounge bar, playing host, and whatnot. Those are privileges married women like us won't enjoy (playing host maybe, but that'll have to wait until the kids are grown).
I am awed into silence.
Girl Talk With Shannon
Has Marriage Become A Joke?
There are couples rushing into marriage and it just seems that they take their vows lightly. Just think Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Nikki Hilton, Dennis Rodman, and Nicolas Cage among other celebrities.
Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. Divorce was so rare back then. Married women in the past may stay in unhappy marriages because they didn’t know what else they could do if they were to leave it all behind.
So, I wonder if modern women’s independence has much to do with the increasing divorce rate. Clearly, women today have more options. They can choose to leave their marriage if things don't work out.
Look Before You Leap
A girl I know of thru a mutual friend recently relocated to Arizona for a guy she met online. He’s IT; he’s her prince charming; he’s the one she’s been searching all along. I’m not clear on the details. All I know is that they started talking about a future together. Then she packed up her bags and left Taiwan, a place she called home for many years.
Reality hits when she starts to live in the same city as he does. In friendships, you get to know your friends in a deeper level when you travel together. In relationships, you begin to find out everything you ought to know about your better half, good and bad, all at once.
She knows about his gambling habit though she has never seen him in action. He wastes money in gambling and complains about spending $15 on a dinner for two. Then she finds out he has a $30,000 credit card debt. He still continues to gamble and makes payments on the interests. The $30,000 debt stays intact.
She tries to convince him to start paying off his debt and working toward a better future together. He gets annoyed and tells her to stop acting like a nagging Chinese girl because she’s no longer in Taiwan. Well, she cannot become a nagging Chinese girlfriend because she’s naturally blond and she is white. Nonetheless, his comment is just insulting, period. Especially given the fact that although he was raised in the US…HE IS CHINESE!
She found out that she’s pregnant one month after her relocation but then she had a miscarriage.
She was on the verge of leaving her single life and leaping into marriage. Can she change this man and pull him away from gambling? Probably not. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Married for Love or Else?
Sometimes I do worry about being single for the rest of my life. My mom’s fortuneteller says to me, “Don’t worry. You are destined to be with someone. You will get married. Be patient. Your time hasn’t come.” Uh-huh, thanks.
Last year my soul mate James and I made a secret pact (not a secret anymore!). We will run off together to get married if we both remain single 4 years from now.
If my plan with James doesn’t work out, I can always rely on my gay boys as long as gay marriage is not legalized all around the world. We can get a place together and look out for each other. We can become the Golden Girls and enjoy our golden age together.
I always follow my heart and do what feels right. Obviously, I haven’t met the person who makes me want to take a plunge into marriage. Deep down, I’m still hopeful. I know he’s out there somewhere waiting to find me…hehe.
Not everyone got married for the same reason. I know someone in a marriage of convenience. So far so good. He has his own life and she is free to date whomever she likes. The worst scenario is when people get married because they’re afraid of being alone. They’re in this co-dependent relationship.
Melody didn’t marry the man she loved. He was abusive. Then she married the man who promised to take care of her in sickness and health. He’s her meal ticket.
Some people did it for love.
Patricia married her college sweetheart. They were on and off a few times. Finally, he realized that she’s the best thing ever happened to him. I’ve visited them numerous times since they tied the knot. Maybe she’s my friend and therefore I’m bias. From what I’ve seen, it seems like she has to put up with him, his selfishness and his macho ego. I’m sure he does nice things for her, too. Every time I’m there, I’m amazed to see what she is willing to do for him and I wonder if he ever notices. She contemplates whether she can splurge on a $40 handbag when he buys only brand name clothing. She has to compromise much more in order to make this marriage work.
Eri got married because she partied herself out. She couldn’t stay up past 11 pm and couldn’t stand the loud music at the clubs anymore. She was ready to get out of her rock n’ roll lifestyle. Then she had her son, Justin – the best thing ever happened to her.
I want to make the best out of my single life and enjoy it to the fullest. Marriage will come when I’m ready to have the man of my dreams sleeping next to me every night for the rest of my life. After all, I do intend to be a one man’s woman.
The only question is…When?
