He Said, She Said

Love Stinks and Truth Hurts

Often truth depends on the individuals who decipher it.

My recent posts “Advice For Single Girls”on August 13 and “Everyone Is Getting Married”on August 12 attracted both encouraging words and nasty comments from strangers. One said, "You can be a good writer." One woman with the name Brenda felt that she could relate to my story.

Nonetheless, I’m wondering if the negative feedback came from 1. Men who obviously don’t like what I said about men from my past; 2. People read between the lines too much.

There’s no hidden message. What’s out is out and that’s how I honestly felt at the time when it occurred. For instance, I never thought my ex-boyfriend was with me for money. However, he was able to convince me to ‘cover expenses’ when he was jobless. I really didn’t mind. I had the ability to do so and cool, more power to us! The breakup that came 3 months later really got me. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Did I make a mistake by agreeing to provide?” When we first started going out, he was the one who made a comment about how money does break up couples. That was the only concern in mind when I agreed to take care of us.

The reason for our breakup was so vague – a tough one to swallow (no pun intended!). It made no sense and of course, I had to turn the direction to the money matter. As far as I can recall, we’re doing great until the financial situation changed everything. I will never forget the bickering incident over some expenses I forgot to pay for. He said to me, “You shouldn’t have to be reminded when you’re doing a good deed. That defeats the purpose of your good will.”

I was so puzzled that I dragged my friend Michael out for afternoon coffee which lasted for 5 hours It didn't end there. We had dinner later that night with other friends and the conversation was surrounded the same freakin’ topic. Poor Michae! He had to listen to me venting all day long. By the time he dropped me off that night, he said, “Don’t worry. It's definitely him. You didn't do anything wrong.” That was comforting because I couldn’t understand what I did wrong.

In retrospect, JC and I did have a grand time. Things were going well. My life then was nearly perfect. It was only after money got involved and the situation got sticky. I felt that he was extremely critical of me and I didn’t like being disciplined as if I was a school girl. He definitely was keeping scores and a record of the rules I broke.

What My Blog Is For

I begin to wonder if my blog makes me seem cynical about men, love and relationship. If so, I’m spreading the wrong image and message. I do mean to say…despite all the mistakes, I’m still hopeful and optimistic. Who doesn’t have a past? It’s the ability to let go and move on that’s most important. I’m merely poking fun at my past and mocking myself for all the dumb things I’ve done. It’s too bad that some people take everything so seriously. My blog is so lighthearted that you’re supposed to laugh at my silliness or just laugh with me!

Feedback

Someone just left a comment about the stuff I wrote about my ex-boyfriend JC. He said, “Since you and JC are not couple any more, he doesn't have to rescue and offer you out financially.”

What a jerk, uh? Somehow I think it’s a guy wrote that. How little he knew that I never ask any man for money. It’s usually the other way around! I only have asked one man for money in my whole life and he is MY FATHER!

Wait! I’m forgetting someone. Okay…my little brother Peter offered some financial assistance last year. I didn’t ask him for help but he said it broke his heart to see me living in San Francisco on such a tight budget. What a sweetheart! I love my bro!

Oh, one more…I asked my Uncle Paul in Indianapolis for money once. It was my 20th birthday and I really liked this leather jacket from Diesel. It was a nice one – one side was leather and the other side is suede. But it was like $500! Now I think of it, I was obsessed with that jacket and I even vowed to buy it no matter what. I wanted it so badly that I called up Uncle Paul for “contributions.”

Uncle Paul: Hello, sweetie! How’s college?

Me: Fine. Oh I’m planning to have a party next week. It should be fun!

Uncle Paul: What’s the occasion? You’re such a party girl!

Me: Yeah, it runs in the family, you know. We love a good party! Umm, it’s my 20th birthday! Can you believe it? I’m going to be 20!

Uncle Paul: Oh wow, time goes by so fast. If you’re turning 20, that means I’ve been living in the States for 22 years now. I came here before your parents were married.

Me: I think Grandma is going to give me a red envelop for my birthday. She always remembers my birthday. It’s amazing how she keeps a track of everyone’s birthday. Isn’t she like 84 this year?

Uncle Paul: I see. So, what do you want for your birthday this year?

Me: Well, I’m trying to save up some money for this super nice leather jacket I like from Diesel. It’s kind of expensive but it’s a double sided jacket with leather and suede. You’ll love it if you see me wearing it. It’s one of those “Must Have” leather jackets because it’s so rare!

Uncle Paul: Wow, sounds nice! I’m sure I can help out a bit.

He sent a check in the mail which I received a few days later. As wished, I got my leather jacket and it’s still sitting in my closet!

We’re family. There’s no foul play involved when my father, brother and my uncle helped me out financially. We’re related by blood!

I never ask any of my men for money. However, some of them have asked me for money and haven’t returned my generosity. The fact speaks for itself.

So far, most of my friends who have checked out my blog like it and they say nice things about it. Except for a few complimentary ones, most strangers like to leave the nastiest comments.

Why are people so rude these days? Since I was little, my dad always taught me, “If you don’t have nice things to say, don’t say a word.”

Here's the response from my beloved friends:

Aria: As for your man situation - I think you are worth whatever you feel you are worth! Not stuck up or snooty about it at all. This is your life, and you can have and want whatever you want, you create your own reality! You deserve a man to love you, honor you, cherish you, and give you what you want. (I should also take my own advice). Marriage is also all around me, and I'm looking at if that is what I want, or if I will be the best auntie to all of my friends kids. It's such a big commitment to get married and start a family. But, also a huge reward.

Eri: Yeah, with your Mr. Big, oh well. Hope he has a stinking marriage with some other girl. That was back at USF when you used to go down to L.A. I remember. I know what you’re saying about guys who ask for financial assistance. I've had some guys ask me to help them with money. Trust me, once you help them, you'll always be giving them money. BTW, your website is great.

Jennifer: When a man asking his woman for money, that does not sound good AT ALL. The guy was just trying to leech off you. You had been waaaay too nice to him. A real man will figure out his own finances and finances for anyone he wants in his life. If a man really loves you, and want you in his life, he has to figure out how he is to support you in his life. Call me old-fashioned but I really do think the man should be able to support you or should be at least able to be a contributing member of your life together. He's being a putz. Sorry!

Joe: I guess I'd feel the same if I were you, with regards to money.

Lily: I read your blog with great interest. You are a pretty good writer! I liked the pictures of Bali and the piece about single men getting married, as well as the piece about make-up. I myself feel challenged in both respect (the whole make up thing, and finding a decent available guy).

Owen: Don’t worry hon. Your Mr. Big may be getting married. His chance of becoming part of the statistics is rather high. Did you know that over 50% of newly wed couples don’t make it to their third anniversary? When you saw him a couple years back, you said you’re no longer attracted to him. So, why the sour face now? It’s just not meant to be. Get over it.

Patricia: As for your man asking you for financial help. I don't hear him offering to help you out of your own predicament. WHAT? He wants a sugar mommy? Yikes. Helping out someone is a good thing if there is some sort of mutual understanding. When only one person is doing the helping, isn't it called using? Maybe I'm just an old fashioned kinda girl, but isn't that the man’s job to take care of his woman anyway? If he can afford it, why not? Damn I'm mercenary! And here we are toting women’s liberation and power!!!

Shannon: I want to bring up a specific point you made the other day, that if you're missing out on any of this getting married thing. Honey, the answer is a NO, in capital letters/bold. And you look like you're enjoying yourself to the fullest. To be honest, I envy you. Sure grass is always greener on the other side. I was like you, single and had disposable money and I traveled a lot. I still wonder why I gave all that up. Was it love? I thought so. But I'm not sure anymore.

These people are my friends, the people I love and care. Their words are soothing to the heart & soul and they definitely know how to cheer me up!

Surprising Response from JC

Wow, that stung a bit! It's always interesting to see what others really thought of you. I honestly did not have any intension of using you for money or using you to live off of. If I did, or if I made you feel like I did, I am truly sorry.

I wasn't with you for financial reasons. If I did, I would of barrowed a lot more, and you probably won't get any of the loan back. I like you because you have a cheerful personality.

It's just good to be with a fun person. Makes the gray world that we live in a lot brighter. It was good times, wasn't it? Of the year that we dated, I only remember a couple of disagreements (and in hindsight, those arguments weren't all that important anyway). By far, the most fun of any relationship that I had been in. I sincerely thank you for that :)

Of the time that I had dated you, I didn't know half of the stuff you posted. It would have been nice to know your most intimate loves and fears. Besides the entertainment value, I could have known you more. Oh well, that's not important now.

I want to congratulate you on the web blog. It's done nicely, and you are very brave for posting all the personal stuff in public. I'm sure I (along with zillions of others) will get to read more ugly truth about me, but it's all good ;) I hope the web will lead you to your ultimate goal, and you can become the Carrie Bradshaw of real life. Keep up the good work!

Did He Say “I’m Sorry”?

Obviously, we didn’t see eye to eye and eventually the relationship failed as a result. It’s a He Said She Said situation. I get to tell my side of the story and my perspective on what happened back then. JC is entitled to his side of the story and I’m sure it’s something that’s different than mine.

I definitely didn’t make a point to mention anyone in particular. When I write, I usually have a theme for each piece and I include all the stories that seem to fit the title. So, I wasn’t out to get anyone and certainly was not expecting an apology.

Upon receiving this Email, I’m overwhelmed. He even said he had the most fun with me out of all his relationships! Do you have any idea what that means to me? Nonetheless, Apology accepted! It takes a real man to confront his past, good and bad, right and wrong, and to apologize for the harms he may have caused. Kudos to JC!

On the other hand, JC totally wasted the benefits of having a girlfriend who’s one hell of a storyteller! He said he doesn’t know half of the stories I’ve posted. Gosh, I just got started! I told him so much when we're an item. More than most guys I’ve dated. All we did was talk.

That was one nice quality about our relationship. We could talk about anything at anytime and anywhere. What I loved about him the most is that he would call me EVERYDAY. Yap, every single day he would call me from wherever he was. Often he would be calling from all corners of the world! Despite being a frequent business traveler, he never missed a day. I used to brag about it to my friends, “See! It’s entirely possible to talk to your boyfriend EVERYDAY.”

Our phone conversation was sweet and definitely was not short. We could go on for hours and the biggest winner is the phone company, which made huge profits from us. Haha! Let’s not forget about the numerous Emails. We exchanged Emails during the day and talked before bedtime. I used to have an archive of all the Email correspondence until my PC crashed and I lost it all. Darn! It would have been nice to read about what we talked about then.

In fact, JC and I have never stopped being friends despite the breakup. His girlfriend is clearly not a big fan of us remaining friends. Yes, the circumstance is different now. Who says ex-lovers cannot be friends? When we do get on the phone with each other, it’s guaranteed to last for a minimum of 3 hours if not longer. It’s always a nice time on the phone. Usually the conversation gets interrupted when one of our phones runs out of battery and we have to switch phones!

It is nice knowing that we can still talk about anything at anytime. His record remains unbroken: We got on the phone around midnight and talked the night away until the sun came up! Try to beat that, yeah!