One of my best friends in college, Eri, can't stand it anymore with my whining about men and relationship. So, she offers me some advice - words of wisdom from one married woman to a single chick.
Years ago when we're in college, everyone thought she was kind of ditzy. You know what? Underneath that pretty face, she's quite a smart Asian babe!
She's now a wife and a full-time mother. I figure she must know what she's talking about, right? She speaks from experience. What she says is like a slap on the wrist. It hurts. Love stinks and truth hurts. Unfortunately, someone has to give it to me straight. Otherwise, I'll continue to live in denial as long as I can drag it on and never face the cruel reality.
Advice #1: Your Taste in Men....Sucks!
Eri: Sweetie, you are beautiful...you have a great taste in everything but "MEN" (GAAAAWWWWDDD!!!). You know how to manage money, too! What a great asset!Trust me, with the right guy, you'll be on top of the world. Whether the guy will come around now or later, it really doesn't matter. And hey, the biological clock doesn't start ticking till much later.
My Story: Really? I thought the clock started ticking since my late 20s. I guess the nonstop wedding invitations and news of newborn babies make me antsy and I wonder if I'll end up all by myself. It's like, everyone has someone to go home to at the end of the day. When I go home, all I see is TV, my laptop, and a queen-size bed waiting for me. It's not even about whether I'm getting laid or not. It's nice to wake up with someone you love and go to sleep with that person everyday.
Advice #2: What Does It Take Before You Stop Giving Your Man Money! Stop It Already!
Eri: This is very important. If your man ever starts asking you for money, you run like hell!!! Didn't you learn your lesson with Aaron like 10 years ago? You never let them borrow money, period! This is one rule you can never bend. Once was enough. I don't care if they're broke. That's their problem. If they're real men, they'll figure something out. A man is not a man if he needs his woman to cover his bills! If your man is so flat-broke, you might as well give it to them 'cuz you'll never get it back!!!
My Story: Ummm, I do have a history of men asking money from me. It happened at least 3 or 4 times now. It's like, once they become intimate with me, it's their given right to seek financial assistance from me. And I'm not even loaded. I just look somewhat expensive.
What happened with Aaron was a painful experience. Don't get me wrong...it was some awesome sex we had...probably one of the best I've ever had. He was THAT GOOD! He was in law school and I was still an undergrad. He started gambling, betting on sports, taking weekend trips to Vegas. The next thing I knew, he was there every weekend. The big weekend approached. It was the superbowl weekend. We went there together but I came back alone. Then he called to tell me that he'd just gambled his return ticket away.
"How is that possible?!" I didn't even know you could trade in your plane ticket as gambling chips. What a fool I was! I was dumb enough to fly back to Vegas again, thinking I could pull him away from the casinos and bring him back to the real world.
Not a fat chance! I returned to San Francisco without him AGAIN. But, that's not the worst. I actually bought him a return ticket to fly back with me. He said, "Baby, I'll catch the next flight. You have to go to your class. Don't worry. I'll see you back home later today!"
He did the same thing with the 2nd return ticket. That's when I knew I had to wash my hand with that loser. Later I found out that before I flew down to Vegas to 'RESCUE MY MAN', he was calling all over the freakin' country and looking for women to wire him money. Only I was stupid enough to help him.
I can't remember how much money he owed me. I do remember one of my closest friends, Sosa, said to me, "girl, you'll just have to write it off and forget about him!"
In 2001, my boyfriend JC continued to have problems with his boss. He talked about quitting all summer long. Everytime he had to vent about work, I just took it as a "Crying Wolf".
Well, he finally did it. He told his boss, "take this job and shove it!" Then he packed up his bags and came to live with me. And he had the nerve to say this to me:
"You see, I'm jobless now. I'm going thru a bit of a hard time. We're a couple. We're in this thing together. So, you help me out now and the day when you are out of work, I'll take care of you. That's what couples do for each other!"
I'm not your good Samaritan. But I thought a man with that much ego and male pride would ask me for help, it probably took a lot out of him. He asked. And I complied. It's not because he was convincing. It's simply because he had no shame in living off me.
I let JC live on my dime until the day we broke up three months later. Oh yeah, he also asked for a loan to pay off his car payment. If I were him, I would have asked my parents for that. But he asked me. He paid me back the day we broke up.
Did money have much to do with the breakup? Hell yeah! Of course he denied it. The truth came out months later. I'll have to save that for later. It's very juicy!
I have not had full-time work for months now. And I don't see JC coming to my rescue and offering to help me out financially.
So, the moral of the story is men can be so full of sh*ts. "I'll take care of you when you're down and out." I would like to see that happening just once in my life. It might help to improve my cynical views on men.
Advice #3: You Need A Man Who's In Your League!
Eri: I don't care what you hear out there. Women like us need to get men that are from a similar background. With marriage, you're unlikely to maintain the fabulous lifestyle you're used to. Really, when it comes to marriage, similar background really helps. It really reduces arguments caused by conflicting ideas such as how to raise a child.
The $300 that I used to spend on a pair of Chanel shades goes to 2 weeks worth of groceries at Costco. I have not bought a LV purse in 2 years. I would spend that $300 to buy savings bond for my son. It's Justin's birthday. I have hired Sparkles The Clown for the b-day. She does e'thing- face painting, huge bubbles, magic, puppets, balloon figures. SEE. That's where our money will be going. Could've bought a pair of Joe's jeans or blue cult and a top for how much the clown costs for 2 hours. Unless you marry a CPA, successful businessman, doctor, dentist, or someone who makes some serious money, you really cannot sustain the lifestyle that you have right now.
My Story: Well, she's painting a rather bloody picture for me. So, I can't splurge anymore? I can't be good to myself if I get married? What about having massages and facials and manicures and pedicures? Are they allowed? I had one man who shared similar backgrounds. But he's going to marry someone else in October. How am I going to meet someone who's in the same league?! What is really my league anyway???
Advice #4: A Good Catch...Is A Nerd!
Eri: Ya know, what's a great catch? Now that I think about it...NERDS! Nerds always win. Trust me...A nice nerd will be good to you. A nerd makes all the money in the world, will treat you nice since you are beautiful, with all the money, you can dress him good and get him a great haircut.
My Story: Well, I am not sure how to define a NERD. Besides, I dont' know a guy who considers himself a nerd. Nobody wants to be nerdy, right? So, how am I supposed to find myself a good nerd who's going to make it all happen for the both of us?
Advice #5: Keep The Gay Boys Around!
Eri: Gay guys are the most ideal guys. They are clean...they have great taste...they can be a girl's best friend, especially when the girl is always single. You don't need straight men when you have the company of fabulous gay boys. They'll do everything for you except for sex. What's sex anyway? It's overrated. They understand you like no other straight man can. They'll always love you and never break your heart. They make life interesting!
My Story: Okay. I get the point. As a matter of fact, I do have a group of gay friends who are always there for me whether I'm happy or sad. They're my support group. They've been with me thru my ups and downs and they're still my friends.
Jeremy, the mother hen of Asian gay community, describes me as "A gay man trapped in a woman's body!" Enough said.
However, I did have my heart broken twice before by gay boys. We were best friends and spent lots of time together. The friendship didn't survive due to miscommunication. It's also because of my neglect to attend their very sensitive personalities.
Conclusion
Eri's wise words definitely shed some light on this thing called LOVE. Life is great because I have a friend like her who's looking out for me! I give awesome advice when I deal with other people's relationships. In retrospect, my love life has been a total trainwreck. When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel?
