Goodbye Love

You said you started writing an apology letter a few days ago but deleted it all when you realized that none of it made any sense. Well, I would like to read the two-page "crap" you've written. What's the use asking if I'm okay after five years of abuse? Why can't you be true to yourself? If our friendship was that important to you, why did you lie about everything?

A simple "I'm sorry" just doesn't do it.

You said, "You had always been there . . . although it was hard to track you down sometimes, but you're there." It seemed even less sincere with that remark. It's rather demanding and chauvinistic to expect me to be available when you are in need. Why couldn't you just give me the compliment as it is? You know darn well that I deserve it! Tell me, how many of your so-called friends have been there for you as much as I have been?

Chauvinism has always been one of your unattractive personality traits. Your apology always comes with an excuse. You have to justify yourself even though your excuse is never good enough to justify what you've done. After the first time, your justification begins to sound like a broken record.

Every time you blame her for all the wrongdoings that you've done to me, You also blame her for the tragic ending of your relationship. You act as if none of this would have happened if she had more trust and security.

In the past five years, I never appreciate your self-righteous attitude when you make an apology. Your Emails and actions don't come across as sincere. Instead, I just see your self-righteousness. It's always about what you want and you being in control. That's why you're able to break up with her and waited no time to ask her if you two can be friends. You always call the shots and never think about consulting with the other party. I'm familiar with that pattern 'cuz you did the same to me years ago.

Years from now, maybe you'll realize that breaking up with her was a mistake. Will I become a bargaining chip again? After all, you two have been together for almost 10 years. Are you so sure that you can just call it quits? This breakup is only a beginning and you're foolish if you think she is going to let you off so easily.

In one Email you wrote, "I do like you . . . but I just don’t know how much. Maybe it is more than what I am willing to admit, maybe it is merely a friendship that I would like to continue . . . I don’t know. What I do know is that I would watch your network sometimes just to see if you are on, and you put me in a happy mood when we talk. I like hanging out with you ‘cause everything is just so easy. I want to be friends with you because you are interesting and funny. Somehow, I feel a connection. It had always been easy to talk to you . . .I don't have to explain a bunch, and you understand. One more friend in the world is always better than one dozen strangers."

A month ago I dropped you off at the airport in the middle of the night. Then I received a note from you saying, "Thanks again for everything. I wouldn't of spend my last night there with anyone else!"

During the past five years, you've used and abused our relationship. You don't always notice me because you know that I've always been here for you. I've had it and just fed up with your excuses. It seems I was regarded as dispensable - my feelings just didn't matter.

Now I wish we didn't remain friends after our breakup. It's never a good idea to go from lovers to friends. Best of luck in finding THE ONE. Obviously I'm not what you're looking for. I wish I knew that sooner. Life after 30 is just too precious! Ciao.